36… how many more times can I feel this way? Thought I’d never go through it again when I said my vows, and it’s somehow spiraled into this. But there’s beauty in the sadness I think… to know you genuinely loved someone so much that it can cause so much physical pain. Don’t get me wrong-I’m ready to be past it, and for it to never visit me again. But it will. In a different way, I’m sure. Because there are so many people who I love so deeply who are still breathing; and for that I’m forever thankful.
This kind of pain though.. when they are still here and you have to let them go; when you are forced to choose yourself over them, because you know it’s just a never ending cycle of trauma. That kind of pain hurts deeper.. makes you question your self worth and you find yourself fighting the urge to jump back to it because it’d be so easy. So comforting in the moment. “Just one more” of everything with them. Back stepping quickly to what took so long to get where you are-knowing there are still so many more miles ahead to get where you need to be.
But it’s kind of beautiful..
Every single song that’s sung, movies that have been acted and books that have been written have been in some form or another about love. I realized that recently.. so who am I to think I can beat the system and avoid such heartache? It’s what makes us human; love. Even when it ends in sadness.
It means I’m alive. Unmedicated, vulnerable, empathetic, and breathing.
I love my gentle heart. I love that I care so deeply. I love that my girlish brain can imagine a world of possibilities with you that will never happen. I love that I love me enough to let go of someone who is dragging me down; like a concrete block around my ankle in the water.
I love you, but I love me more. And I mean that this time.
Amber Sunsets 
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